What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
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Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
i would wish you the best but i am the best
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or