Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
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[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
The pasta is now
ibopfufen
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.