ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
You Might Also Like
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
Narrator: they had a son born in 2001
Me: omg he must be like 10 by now that’s crazy
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
Spell check is for lasers.
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.