Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
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Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
When my cat gets in trouble I call him by his full name, Catthew.
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
🤣😂🤣
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?