Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
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My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime