2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
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[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place