that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
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why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music