Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
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I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.