And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
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Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.