money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
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me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
back to work
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
Who knew!
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.