[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
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this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.