Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
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Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?