I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
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Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
when there are deer in the woods
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no