I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
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“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
wtf is an acronym
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)