The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
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I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx