[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
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[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
I’ve tried being less handsome but it’s like stapling water to a tree…impossible
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
Very problematic
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.