Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
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I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
listen closely
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?