Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
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[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
What a website
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
Choose your fighter
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.