INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
You Might Also Like
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
I love snow
– People who never shovel
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
Why is this me 😫
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks