Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
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If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.