*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
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me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*