When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
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The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.