Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
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“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet