ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
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Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…