Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
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My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
bout dat hot dog summer
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
I camp so other people don’t have to.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
no!! no!!!!!!
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.