*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
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File under excellent bookstore names.
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
A choir of Spring onions
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s