I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
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Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone