white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
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Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
Is this you?
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait