I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
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Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]