Just me?
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World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
🤣could you imagine
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭