Buck naked
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[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
Saturday
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
Still cracks me up
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.