Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
You Might Also Like
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
jesus, what did this guy do
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
Mhm.
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter