3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
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I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad