Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
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Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
i have one speed and it’s mosey
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
(To the guy at urinal next to me) You’re doing the right thing. Going here and not in your pants
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video