Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
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Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.