I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
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[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore