Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
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Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
Baller is short for ballerina
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
Wedding planning is organized crime.
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET