Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
You Might Also Like
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars