Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
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I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.