My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
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[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
meanwhile over on facebook
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH