Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
You Might Also Like
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.