I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
You Might Also Like
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
Facebook marketplace is a different world
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
Parents: If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you do it as well?
Me: (imagining a scenario where everyone is jumping off of a bridge): probably. What if it’s on fire?
Parents: go to your room.
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
it sucks that the 2020 election’s approach of both candidates offering us competing stimulus checks has vanished. please bring that back. please bribe us with money.
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Pigeon open mic night.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?