My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
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“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
Perfect
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
ME: So you’re into football?
DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.
ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.
HER: I need to see other people.
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation