Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
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Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.