You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
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he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6: