Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
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My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
I think the bowl of ice cream I ate earlier gave me a stomach ache so I ate a another bowl to make sure.
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no