I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
You Might Also Like
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
God making man in his image was the original selfie
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.