*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
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Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.