how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
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Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
My good tweets are in my other pants.
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.