My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
You Might Also Like
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
This is always good for a laugh.
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving